I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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