Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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