never play flip cup with pint glasses
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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