My liver just broke up with me...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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