Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
