i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize