There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize