I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
