Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
