but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
