I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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