dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
