It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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