My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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