Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
