Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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