When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
