im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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