Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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