Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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