So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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