you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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