wanna go halves on a baby?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
