woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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