I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
