why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She even gives head with a lisp.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
