My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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