He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
