Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
