the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
