When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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