I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
