the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize