Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
