At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
