bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize