Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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