I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
