why didn't you poke me back
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
