I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
