Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
i now understand why vodka
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize