One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
