you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
