she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
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