hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
