so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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