Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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