I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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