Midget sex pt 2 tonight
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
