I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
