I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
