She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
