i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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