based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
