I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
