when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
