New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I understand Curling. That high.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
