I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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